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Hello, I feel very privileged to be able to share some of my life with others in hopes that God will be glorified. The Lord has laid on my heart for a very long time to share my own experiences with abortion in hopes that others may learn and benefit from it. It was right before the Christmas holidays almost 30 years ago that I found myself dealing with a pregnancy as a young single girl.
My past includes experiences with sexual abuse that led to a lifestyle with very messed up boundaries and then sexual promiscuity. Growing up fearful of all relationships, especially with men, and yearning for love, I connected with all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. These relationships were too often mixed with drinking and other poor choices. While my heart often ached and cried out no, my body seemed to be answering yes.
Then after another episode of a one-night stand, which by today's standards might be called a date rape, I found myself pregnant. Feeling desperate and very alone, I contemplated for weeks what to do. I prayed that God would just take this problem from me; but, He did not. Fearing rejection, I believed I could not turn to my parents, siblings, or friends. So in desperation I decided to commit suicide. That year I had wrapped all my Christmas presents in black and left my suicide note in a closet that I was sure my mother would find. The holidays came and went and not a word was said.
So, one fateful night I took a handful of pills while still praying to a very distant and judgmental God, the only one I knew. To my surprise my parents came into my room that very night to find out what was wrong. I was taken to the hospital where the doctor told my parents I was pregnant. My parents asked only if I wanted to "go away to have the baby". Fearing more rejection and loneliness, I next decided to have an abortion. My father drove me to the clinic where the abortion was performed and it was never spoken about again. The experience was very painful physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
For almost 20 years I buried that secret deep in my heart, pretending that it never happened, just as I had learned to do with other experiences in my life as a young girl. And I almost convinced myself that it didn't happen, but God had other plans. As my life passed through an alcoholic , marriage, divorced single parenting, I started to search for that God I had cried out to one desperate night long ago. God heard my prayers and graciously placing the right people in my life at all the right times. As I started to understand what having a personal relationship with Jesus I realized that He was who I had been missing and what I had been searching for my life; and joyfully I asked Jesus into my heart.
About 10 years later, for the first time I admitted to another person, and to myself, that I had had an abortion those many years ago. That person eventually became my husband. But along the way, the Lord gave me a powerful and healing verse from Psalm 66, which says: " If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened"; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me." While the Lord blessed me with a new husband and family, the crises from my past were overwhelming my new life.
As we sought professional Christian counseling, the abuses from my past started to unfold. Then after one night of physically re-experiencing the traumatic and horrifying abortion I had gone through those many years ago, I spiraled into a major deep depression, which required hospitalization. As I desperately sought recovery, the Lord gave me another verse in sJohn16:33, which says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I clung to this truth and gave myself to the Lord all over again.
It was a long process of understanding my past and sorting it all out. I needed to deal with the shame, confess the guilt, ask God's forgiveness, forgive others, and forgive myself before genuine healing would occur. But it has. Because our God is a faithful, loving, and merciful Father who doesn't let go or give up on us. If I could do it over, I would know that I could say no, that I do have choices, and that every choice I make impacts my life. Whether we are searching for love, or believing we are "in love", if God is not in the picture, our choices will bring us pain and sorrow that will never be healed until we humble ourselves before the only true love there is, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And for that, I will always be grateful and praise his name. Thank you.
Linda's Testimonies: Sanctity to Life - Tragedies Provide A New Opportunity